The Antillian Chronicles
|here in the "Reactions" section.|
|Original review author:||Murphace|
|Webcomic name:||The Antillian Chronicles|
|Author:||Nicholas 'Melmoth Druminor'|
|Start Date:||June 1, 2008|
|End Date:||August 17, 2008|
|Defining Flaw:||Cliched story and crap art|
I bumped into this fat fail because I knew the author, Druminor, from DeviantArt. The first time I face-palmed at him was when I saw that about 98.9% of his submissions were all related to his lame-ass, condescending atheistic ideologies rather than anything to do with art. Now, I don't have a single problem with atheists; in fact, I know some that are really nice, wonderful, bright people. It's just that Druminor wasn't just an atheist, he was clearly a basement dwelling atheist. The type of guy who likes kicking back in the basement of his mom and dad's house and melting his days away writing 'philosophies' on DeviantArt, putting up dumb arguments and bullying little kids on forums, pissing himself over his precious Qirin and Cthulhu, and being an atheist solely to feel superior to 'stupid, contradictory, primitive' religious people. But somehow, as an atheist, he still devotes himself to the aforementioned Qirin and Cthulhu. #contradictions
When his old account (simply 'druminor' on DeviantArt) was still up and running, I saw a pattern in his gallery--it seemed that he would go through these 'artistic' phases or something. On one page, I'd see him trying out one arts-and-crafts hobby, on the next he would abandon the previous hobby and take up a new one, kind of like he was searching for something he was good at and failing every time without admitting failure. And the process would repeat. It's the whole 'crash-and-burn' pattern that is so prevalent with TheAmazingAtheist. (whom Druminor coincidentally happens to fancy, of course) Because I found his little phases really amusing, I read his most recent, most developed, and most beloved webcomic venture called Romance Of The Five Tribes, which he himself touted as 'Miyazaki-inspired'. I am telling you, from the crayon-colored art and the shit dialogue, it was seriously THE thing to read if you were having a bad day. You should've seen the way he drew his 'Miyazaki-inspired' dragons. To put it bluntly, they looked like fucking sausages. Sadly, it seems that the webcomic was taken down due to either inactivity on the site or just sheer shame. But Druminor doesn't seem to be one for feeling embarrassed about his 'art'.
It sucked serious Cthulhu balls from the moment the site was created.
Story and Plot
Druminor himself gives a brief synopsis on The WebComic List: 'Arthur Marthen, an introverted twenty-something, is accidentally summoned to the realm of Antillia, in order to save the Antillians from an invading warlord and his mysterious power...' Basically, this 'cynical' guy named Arthur gets sucked into this sappy world called Antillia so he can save its sorry ass from a huge bad guy and find out his true destiny.
The characters this guy draws are drawn with a line tool without a tablet. When you mix that with the utter nonexistence of talent, everyone tends to look more or less androgynous. Every fucking character looks like they've been lobotomized. And also, their poses are so stiff, it's like they left a coat hanger inside their shirt. Or as if there's a huge knife stuck up their ass so precisely so that if they do as little as walk too normally, their intestines will combust. Not only that, but the colors befit a porno cartoon from the 80's. It's funny, because in some dramatic panels/splash pages you can only imagine what the concept would look like interpreted by an actual artist.
Motherfucking PEN TOOL! THAT'S WHAT IT IS!!! PEN TOOL!!! DO I FUCKING NEED TO SAY ANYMORE? I swear I look at this and my mind shatters about how is that NOBODY could ever tell the guy his characters look fucking CREEPY with those square-shaped eyes!!!
None of the characters passed through something that can be called "design process". Just like that you can tell this guy just sat one day with whatever scribbles he had for a plot, and started drawing "acapella". As most colors are way too dark, it's annoying to the eye to distinguish any feature that isn't colored bright!
Pro tip: GRADIENT TOOL, GRADIENT MESH, INNER & OUTER BLUR AREN'T MEANT FOR SHADING!!! NOT THIS WAY! UNLESS YOU'RE JOLLYJACK, YOU MUST NEVER, EVER ATTEMPT TO USE ADOBE ILLUSTRATOR FOR DRAWING!
The story is highly cliched and I doubt would ever be taken seriously by anyone over the age of six. Very lazy, as it follows the typical 'normal human guy realizes his destiny is saving some fantastical world he would've normally not given two shits about from absolute evil'. The main character is filled in on the entire epic back story only on the seventh page.
Slow down the Chupacabra, people; this little piece of utter junk that stopped updating two months after it begun could have had its share to plot holes. Starting with that mystery key thing. Let's say the key could have been used to bring back a hero WHO willingly left! The guy left, maybe for good. Maybe there was evil elsewhere. Maybe he's just sitting in a tropical paradise, drinking piña coladas, and jumping lots of badly drawn native girls. Why did they invent an artifact that forces back someone who left on his own terms?
Now, let's deepen into that little annoying thing about the "Chosen One" (at this moment, I don't fucking care whether it is correctly written). Let us put this straight: NOBODY IS GOING TO PICK, OR LET BE PICKED, A TOTAL MORON FOR A HERO!
That's right, whenever you see the "Chosen one" (fuck grammar, I'm pissed off!) the guy is already a badass; or he simply has what it takes to be a hero. The guy described is given a loose explanation about why is he chosen for such a task! What now? Were we supposed to tolerate a burden for as long as it takes him to grow some backbone? Neo from The Matrix was a dumbass, but since he had enhanced virtual reality he could train in hours. Just like that, he quickly stood against his foes and in the matter of days he was able to manipulate the Matrix at will. Since day one, Link, a gay elf from a more gay kingdom, is meant to be the hero because the share of the Triforces he possess is notable throughout his dangerous quest. Motherfucking Frodo from LotR was a weakling all the time! He just happens to have the right companion at all times. See, that easy you can make your chosen one an ACTUAL worth the bother!
Good that this shit died shortly after it begun.
Nicholas Druminor is a basement dweller in his late twenties from North Carolina who spends his leisurely, shut-in days 'philosophizing' on religion (by ripping every religion of the world a new asshole), acting like he's some tormented artist, snottily ranting about politics, and crying about his so-called case of Asperger's syndrome, which he no doubt deems as a good excuse for being an arrogant asshole. He seems to enjoy pitying himself, because he likes to constantly inform the world through various blog entries of all the anti-depressant drugs he takes and the therapists he needs to constantly see - he even talks about nightmares he's had. POOR DRUMINOR!!!11!!!!!!!111!! When he writes his condescending rants on religion, he has the nerve to write them off as 'philosophy'. He never accumulates any flames on them, though, because I guess people can see that he's really just trying to shock people with his views. Druminor is really bad at hiding his basement dwelling lifestyle. Because he likes to frequent the forums of DeviantArt, he seems to have a garnered a couple of buddies who like visiting his dA page from time to time. The same cannot be said about his blogs, because rather than talking about forum arguments, he's talking about his life, of which he has none. Druminor talks tough on his blog entries and journals, but when face-to-face with trouble, he tends to reveal his true nature--being a pussy. I've never seen him win a single argument. He is known to have a little brother and currently elopes with the Qirin.
The Antillian Chronicles, though short and discontinued, is a hilarious devastation of a webcomic. The third grader-caliber fail contrasted with the author's conceited attitude is truly an amazing thing to behold.