Protect and Survive: Mutants are Coming
You may not know the dangers of bad webcomics. Hell, most people don't. In fact, most people would argue that bad webcomics are actually pretty fuckin' inconsequential, and would argue that, in fact, it is stupid waste of time to create wikis and blogs to berate people who simply have no talent.
These people are wrong.
Bad webcomics are the most dangerous force on planet Earth. More dangerous than cancer, AIDS, or
Fidel Castro's totalitarian regime (is he even still alive?). In fact, they're more dangerous than state-subsidized healthcare. That should really tell you something.
But you needn't fear. We at the Bad Webcomics Wiki, have created this guide, "Protect and Survive-Mutants are Coming", to alert you of the hidden dangers of the webcomic hordes and why you should run from your computer screaming whenever you see one of the webcomics we tell you about. Together we seek to make sure bad webcomics don't ruin the Internet and give everybody eye cancer.
- 1 Bad Webcomics Explained
- 2 The Warnings
- 3 What to Do if the Warnings Show Up
- 4 Stay at Home
- 5 Choosing a Webcomic Critic Battlestation
- 6 Pillow forts and Other Webcomic Sanctuaries
- 7 What to Put in your Pillow Fort
- 8 Mountain Dew and Chee-to consumption
- 9 Precautions against Firaga Spells
- 10 Sanitation (And Other Unnecessary Details)
- 11 The Importance of your Computer (and PS3, and Wii, and Xbox 360)
- 12 Life in Your Parents' Basement
- 13 Water Consumption
- 14 Food Consumption
- 15 Death
- 16 Conclusion
Bad Webcomics Explained
Bad webcomics are what happen when people with no artistic talent choose to draw for a living. The effects of bad webcomics cannot be seen, heard, or even felt, and, truthfully, they cannot even be picked up by special instruments. But exposure to bad webcomics can cause sickness, blindness, and death. If you or any of your loved ones start drawing bad webcomics, the radiation emitted by the computer you use to make them would be a danger to you and the rest of your family, neighbors, and many others. However, the radiation spread by bad webcomics can be reduced depending on the amount of fatty material which you have around your body. Therefore, you should begin to eat copiously immediately, to protect sensitive organs like your brains from retarded and obnoxiously bad webcomics.
You can tell if you've been subjected to bad webcomic radiation through a series of warning sounds which you will emit. These warning sounds are your body's best natural defense against the bad webcomic.
If you are reading a webcomic and you begin to emit a wailing noise due to the shitty writing, it is a sign that you have been exposed to a bad webcomic radiation.
If you are reading a webcomic and you begin to emit sounds similar to rapidly sucking in and blowing air, as if hyperventilating at how much you want to kill the webcomic artist, it means that your body is recoiling because you have been exposed to a bad webcomic radiation.
If, on the other hand, you emit a sigh of relief, it means that you have either shut down your computer or begun reading a good webcomic, such as Weapon Brown or Lackadaisy Cats.
What to Do if the Warnings Show Up
Stop reading immediately, and begin preparing your emergency anti-bad-webcomic shelter.
Stay at Home
Your own family will best be able to help you deal with bad webcomics. If you move away from your parents or relatives, such as to an apartment, or college, or any place with people in it, the people in your new home will make fun of you for reading webcomics and wearing a wolfshirt. Your parents may convert your room for other uses, such as a den, or game room or a gym. So stay at home.
Choosing a Webcomic Critic Battlestation
You must now choose a room in your home which will give the best protection from bad webcomic radiation, but also one which will give you excellent cover in which you can begin attacking webcomics with extreme prejudice. If you live in a house, the safest place is a basement, where you can safely drink all the Mountain Dew and Cheetos you want while still being able to criticise webcomics at your leisure. If you don't live in a house... we are not really sure what we can do to help... Do you want us to contact social services for you or something?
Choose a room in the house with as few windows as possible, so as to shield yourself from sunlight or obnoxious neighbors who will try to get you to leave your house for various reasons.
If you live in a block or flats, it's important not to get the penthouse, because that shit just invites people like the fuckin' plague. You'll never get to have any place to store your anime figurines with the kind of parties top floor apartments have, and just as badly you'll have no time to review webcomics with so many friends.
If you live in a one story house like a bungalow or a trailer park, the building itself won't give you much protection. So you need to find a friend nearby with a basement, or if you have no friends (as is the correct protocol for a webcomic critic) then find a room as far away from outside walls or windows or inward judging glances from passersby as humanly possible.
Pillow forts and Other Webcomic Sanctuaries
We have already told you how to find a webcomic critic battlestation: It will be the place with the fewest people, windows, or things that bad webcomic people can use to come and get you. This will protect you, but you need to strengthen a small part of it for when the bad webcomic people come bearing machetes to come take away your anime figurines and unicorn statuary. In other words, you need a pillow fort.
The building of a pillow fort is not that fucking difficult. You will need: Pillows. Saws, hammers, nails, and crowbars are not necessary to build a pillow fort. However, a crowbar may be useful in case you want to play Gordon Freeman for your next big cosplay convention, so you should buy one as soon as possible.
One idea is to use a couch, and place pillows on top of the couch. Alternately you could flip the couch over and use the couch as protection. In this alternate usage, the pillows are used as comfortable places in which to rest your head for sleeping.
Stop the couch from crushing you by nailing it to the wall, and holding it to the ground by nailing it to the ground as well. Place some of your pillows on top of the couch for additional protection; remember that the more space you have between yourself and bad webcomics, the better. You can also use garbage bags filled with sand, earth, manga, and pop-tarts to add additional protection.
Remember to create an easy way to enter your pillow fort, but make sure to keep a few pillows to seal yourself in. Bad webcomic people can easily enter any cavity you leave open, and during the worst of the attack they may attempt to claw out your eyes.
If you live in a mobile home or other light structure, ask your mother what to do. She will attempt to console you and make you feel that it will be ok.
Whatever shelter you choose, remember this: The more protection you have between yourself and bad webcomics, the better. Also, don't forget that the bad webcomic people may be wearing fursuits, so plan ahead. Make sure you are ready for anything, because with bad webcomics anything could happen.
What to Put in your Pillow Fort
Bad webcomics never go away, so you may be under attack from webcomic people for a very long time. As such, you should plan ahead, and get everything you need for your pillow fort as soon as possible.
You will need:
- Liquids, mostly in the form of Mountain Dew, preferably Mountain Dew Throwback because of the sugar.
- Food, mostly Chee-tos.
- A laptop.
- Spare batteries for your laptop.
- Cell phone with which to order food. By the way, make sure you have a way to know whether the delivery boy happens to be a furry, as he may attempt to yiff you.
- Wolf shirts and flannel pajamas.
And here are some things that will make living in your pillow fort much more comfortable:
- Sleeping bags.
- Some way in which you can relieve yourself without using the restroom, such as adult underpants.
- First aid kit, especially in case the couch you nailed to the wall ends up falling down on you anyway.
- Your asthma inhaler.
- Box of dry sand, in case you didn't want to buy adult underpants or have furry tendencies and wish to use the restroom like a cat.
Finally, don't forget to use webcomic critique website the Bad Webcomics Wiki , which will give you more information on what to do.
Mountain Dew and Chee-to consumption
After you see a bad webcomic, you may have to stay in your pillow fort for a long time, perhaps forever, so make sure to store lots of snacks and Mountain Dew for yourself. You will need to eat as much as possible to insulate yourself against bad webcomic radiation, so make sure to eat as much food as you can. Drink at least two pints of Mountain Dew a day.
Store your food in a bathtub or in any nooks or crannies you have at your computer desk. In your pillow fort, you should be able to find Chee-tos between the seat cushions, so Mountain Dew is far more important in your pillow fort.
Try to ration everything, while eating as much as possible. If that makes any sense.
Precautions against Firaga Spells
There are none.
Sanitation (And Other Unnecessary Details)
You may not be able to use your lavatory because furries may have used it to drink from, or may have yiffed on it. So use a bucket and plastic bags, or a litter box depending on your preference. You may also use adult diapers.
The Importance of your Computer (and PS3, and Wii, and Xbox 360)
You will need all these items for entertainment while in your webcomic critic battlestation. Your Xbox 360 can be used for crappy video games such as Halo; your Wii, to keep your obnoxious toddler siblings at bay while you, the grownup, play grownup video games; your PC can be used for good games such as Bioshock and Half-Life; and your PS3 can be used to play incredibly weird games from Japan, such as Katamari Damacy, or that one RPG where you're a girl working her father's shop and then you also have to go through the secret dungeon at the back of the shop to find him because he got lost. You know, that game.
Life in Your Parents' Basement
After a bad webcomic has been discovered by the Bad Webcomics Wiki, you will be asked to retreat to your pillow fort, possibly for a prolonged period. The first two days after the bad webcomic has been discovered will be the most dangerous time, because this will be when the bad webcomic people will attempt to enter your pillow fort to yiff you.
If you must get water or must go to the bathroom, it is best to wear adult diapers rather than leaving to the restroom. Showering is extremely dangerous and should not be done, even after the worst part of the danger is over.
Bad webcomics people can still yiff you, even after two days, so you should stay in your pillow fort for as long as possible, and should never leave your parents' basement.
You should wear rubber gloves and other protective clothing whenever going outside. The Sun is deadly and can burn you, leaving you red and more likely to be seen by the furries and bad webcomic people. Also keep your anime figurines inside as much as possible-they are especially vulnerable to the sun, and if their paint is faded by sunlight it will be much harder for you to masturbate to them.
A reminder of some things we have already said: Do not go outside. Do not leave your parents' basement no matter what, even if a girl approaches you asking for sex. Any woman that would want to have sex with you is most likely a furry. You should have every video game console ready so you can play video games at all times when you are not attacking bad webcomics. And pay close attention to the Bad Webcomics Wiki, to stay informed and to make sure the furries never touch you.
After exposure to a bad webcomic, you will feel negative effects immediately. The water in your taps may suddenly turn yo blood. You may find that you cannot eat without throwing up. Being reminded of urine will also make it much more difficult to drink your Mountain Dew, for obvious reasons. The fact that a typical home faucet looks phallic and appears to urinate into the sink, as if the sink is drinking the urine of another man, will also make it more difficult to drink water, or should, unless you are into that sort of thing.
You should drink only water that you have stored. Store water in containers that do not look like a human bladder or phallus. Don't throw the water away, no matter what. It can be used over and over again, and you will not be able to get fresh water for a very long time. Do not shower. Shower water can be just as contaminated by bad webcomic radiation as sink water, and besides that it will be unnecessary to bathe if you live in your parents' basement.
Remember: Water is life-save it.
After discovering a bad webcomic, you will have to stay indoors for a while, and may run out of food. While it is possible to survive without food, it will be more difficult to maintain the layers of fat you have accumulated around your body if you stop eating. This will increase the likelihood of people attempting to talk to you, which will mean that furries could find their way into their home.
Stock enough food for 14 days. Because you likely don't know how to cook or do anything useful, you should get only foods which you can microwave or eat cold, such as TV dinners, Chee-tos, Cheez-its, and Slim Jims.
Do not ration your food. You need to eat as much as you can to maintain your weight and make sure people do not attempt to befriend you.
You will soon die after following the procedures outlined in this manual. You will either die of a massive heart attack due to the enormous amounts of fat stored in your body, or will commit suicide due to loneliness. You could also contract AIDS and die after being raped by a furry.
In any case, before death, do not forget to make body collection as easily as possible for authorities. Tie a small note on your big toe detailing your age, name, and other vital details. Do not list weight, as this may embarrass your family when they find your body.
Your imminent death from bad webcomics does not have to be in vain. With any luck, somebody might care.
If you have read through this manual fully, you likely now understand the dangers bad webcomics pose to you, your family, and society. But do not fear. With aid from the Bad Webcomics Wiki, you can protect yourself. Remember: No matter how many furries want to yiff you, and no matter how many webcomic artists are filling the Internet with awful Love Hina fanfiction while munching on pocky and masturbating to Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt, you can protect yourself. In some cases, you can even become just like them, while still being able to criticize these people over the Internet. And in the end, we at the Bad Webcomics Wiki consider that a 100% positive outcome.
So remember- follow these instructions to the letter up until they kill you... Or, you know, read bad webcomics and then help us by writing a review about them... Either one is fine.