|here in the "Reactions" section.|
|Original review author:||Valiere|
|Webcomic name:||Monster Lover|
|Author:||Eric "Dumok" Flores|
|Start Date:||March 5, 2007|
|End Date:||Apparently ongoing, God help us all|
|Defining Flaw:||Marty Stu hero, stomach-turning depictions of sex, hideous art, clumsy dialogue…|
Well, this is it, folks. This is where we separate the men from the boys, the women from the girls in terms of the degree of absolute shit-tasticness you can handle. You've probably got already gotten a dose of furry-lovin' with Concession and Better Days and any of the countless anthro wank-fests that comprise most of the Bad Webcomics Wiki. But really, you ain't seen nothin' yet.
Do you find a four-breasted cat woman that says "I can has cheezburger" appealing? Are you ready to watch a harpy give a variation of the "shocker," with three-inch claws, to an anthromorphic hyena? Are you prepared to see a hobbit demonstrate to her niece how to suck a two-and-a-half-foot dick? You can turn around and close this page from your browser window now. I won't hold it against you. If not, well, I gave you ample warning.
The very first page has a human man "milking" an anthromorphic cow's gigantic teats.
You can't say any of the repulsiveness of Monster Lover takes you by surprise.
Story and Plot
Adam Zosh is a monster-tamer. I couldn't really gather why he's a monster tamer or how exactly he makes money, and I thought reading this train wreck again would be needlessly cruel to my own fragile psyche. Basically, he captures mythical creatures — minotaurs, four-breasted cat creatures, gnolls (kind of a werewolf-hyena hybrid), harpies, halflings, orcs — and screws them. That's right. Everything I just named? He bones one at some point. And that's an incomplete list. If it exists in the Dungeons & Dragons player handbook, Adam Zosh will probably force his penis in it.
So he's a monster tamer who tames monsters with his cock. Actually, he's not so much a monster tamer as he is a monster rapist.
Eric Flores' art style is an amalgam of "coloring book" and "the kind of distorted illustrations of licensed characters you see on Third World toy knockoffs." Everything is colored flatly (probably with the paint bucket tool) with only the most rudimentary attempts at shading. His proportions are awful; as a few unfortunate readers have pointed out, Adam's penis seems to get larger over the course of the story. There is an ugliness that permeates every orifice of Monster Lover. The characters are all hideous. The minotaur's dog snout makes for some cringe-worthy "O"- faces," the harpy has a hook nose and dagger-teeth, even the requisite cat-girl looks dull and even dog-like.
Including ugly characters in erotica is an interesting concept, but somehow I get the idea that Flores couldn't draw an attractive person if he tried. His artistic ineptitude is apparent on every page; in particular, he struggles with consistency. Check out Adam's ridiculous face (with an unfinished ear) on the second to last panel here, and his face on the next page is worse yet. Flores also can't draw backgrounds and rarely even tries. His few attempts at architecture are laughable…I know "A 3-year-old could do better" is a cliche, but I'm fully convinced that there are a number of toddlers out there who could draw a less half-assed castle than that. Even Flores' dialogue bubbles look wrong. Does he really not know how to draw a tail correctly and has to resort to a distracting smudge?
And the action…he even phones it in on the action. "HACK CHOP!" with some poorly-drawn movement swipes is supposed to represent the minotaur striking an opponent. Really now, Flores? Can't be bothered to illustrate any scene that doesn't involve jizz and moaning? Also, this page has one of the comic's finer moments, involving her literally beating the shit out of a horse-centaur thing. Sorry about that.
In the short-lived remake, Flores adds more detail and tries a bit harder at anatomy but still can't avoid the screwy faces. And somehow the minotaur's double-nipples, which I thought I'd grown numb to, are even more revolting.
Adam is bar-none the biggest Marty Stu I have ever seen in a webcomic. Did you catch the premise? It's all about our bemulleted hero's quest to build a harem of mythological beasts. At first I wasn't certain if Adam was using some kind of druid voodoo to tame his "pets" into becoming sex slaves. But that would be kind of unnecessary, because Adam has an enormous penis, the kind with the power to make females of any stripe melt into a pile of lusty jelly. How big, you ask? It might as well be a third leg.
Nobody ever calls Adam out on his abuse of druid power; in fact, they treat it as perfectly normal. And as the images to the right show, every character has nothing but praise for Adam's massive wang. The comic takes great pains to remind us that, yes, Adam's penis is very large. Not only is it huge, it's positively hypnotic. Every female who sees it will be sucking it in the next panel with such a pained expression that you'll wonder whether she has any free will left.
Sex with Adam is nothing short of earth-shattering. Woman-creatures fortunate enough to be porked by his giant wang go absolutely berserk… "OH MY GAWD! YES MY LORD! IMPALE ME MASTER! YES YES YES YES YES YES!" They beg him to keep going ("Give it to me, I'm so close Adam, give it to me really hard. PLEASE?") and thank him profusely when it's over. Getting boned by Adam is a huge honor. So is blowing him; the way everybody treats it, you'd think his semen was vanilla custard. Two lady-beasts fight over fellatio duties.
I'm telling you all this for two reasons. One is to show what a sex god Adam is written as, the crux of this wish-fulfillment fantasy. The other is to prove just how fucked-up Eric Flores' perception of both sex and women really is. Sex isn't treated as passion; it's just something you do. "Ope, guess we've got a break before that battle tomorrow. Anyone down for some fucking? Taura, you in? How 'bout you, four-breasted catgirl?" Pants down, cock up. The worst example of the mechanical nature of Monster Lover's erotica is during the flashback where a teenage Adam and Taura the minotaur first do it. The extent of the romantic connection is Adam calls Taura pretty in the most awkward terms possible, then hand-holds her through various sex acts. It's hinted in this flashback that Adam's rampant libido is caused by a need to relieve some sort of pain (That's right, our hero has a chronic case of blue balls). But if that's so, can't he just masturbate instead of dragging along a confused friend he has no real feelings for?
Everything works out swimmingly for Adam. He's able to build a harem of "monsters" with no resistance, and none of them ever has any problem with sharing him with seven or nine or twelve others, or whatever the number's at now. He wins all his fights. Anyone who's angry at him won't be for long. "Big Red," Taura's father, is initially furious when he finds out Adam is fucking his daughter, but this anger lasts for about a page and a half. It's obvious Flores wants us to think that Adam Zosh is such a stand-up guy that he couldn't possibly rub anyone the wrong way. Sure, Adam screeches at his harem like some sort of psycho den mother, but everyone agrees he is in the right. If he barks orders, they are to be followed. But the comic never ceases to remind us that he is also a gentle and kind monster-tamer, and Flores presents us with a dwarf that abuses his "gold-katt" as a contrast.
Of course, assholes can't convincingly write nice-guy characters, and I'm convinced Eric Flores is in fact an asshole. So every act of "kindness" from Adam is self-serving. Awww, look at him get someone to help his terrified halfling give him a blow job. A true gentleman. Both Flores and Adam later prove that they don't give two shits who gets hurt as long as the dick gets what it wants. At one point, two members of Adam's harem make a bet where the loser has to have anal sex with Adam. An entire chapter is devoted to "collecting on the ass-bet," a chapter that Eric Flores was clearly anxious to write. The loser of the bet is clearly dreading it, but does Adam ever stand up and say, "I don't care what kind of bet you guys made, I'm not participating in any sex act that someone isn't comfortable with"? Hell no, this is a porn comic. He goes right along with it like he has no control over his own cock. Of course, she ends up loving it, because sex with Adam Zosh is always mind-blowing.
I suppose I should touch on the other characters. But I don't want to, because I know they only exist for Adam's, and by extension Eric Flores', pleasure. The whole novelty of the comic is the fact that our porn star hero is sexing up fantasy creatures, and most of them fall into the expected stereotypes: the gnoll is uncouth and gruff, the harpy is mischievous, and so on. For some reason, Flores thought it was funny to have the humanoid cat spout lolcatisms and net lingo, so she has lines like "U just got pwned!" Really. This is a comic so singularly-focused that every female that appears can be expected to be deep-throating Adam's dick in a page or two, so there's little room for character development.
Flores' dialogue is riddled with spelling and grammatical errors, which is especially heinous considering his age and the fact that he seems to hold his writing ability in high regard. Even if it were error-free, almost every spoken word does little more than move the plot along (to the next sex scene, usually). It almost feels like Flores is impatient during fight scenes or arguments or any time his characters aren't fucking. He also makes liberal (and unfortunate) use of "sound effects," especially during sex. Expect to see a lot of "Slllrrrrppp SUCKKKK Slllbrrrrr" and "SPOOOOT SPOT SPOT" for a particularly grotesque sound track to this train wreck. Suddenly celibacy is looking awfully enticing.
Have I mentioned the RPG-style level updates? Adam even levels up by having sex. I'm not kidding.
Oh, Eric Flores. If you're brave enough to stamp your name — your real name — on a comic about screwing cows and hyenas, I'm sure you can take everything I'm about to say about you.
Flores is 41 years old. You read that right. He's not some misguided teen with an unhealthy fixation with udders. He's a grown-ass man who thinks he can charge $42.30 for this shit. $42.30. If you really wanted to see some half-human hybrids boinking each other, you could go on a shopping spree in Jay Naylor's smut gallery for that much. At least your eyes wouldn't bleed from the hideous art. Or better yet, you could start building your therapy fund.
Eric Flores has some other comics, all with totally unique and ground-breaking premises. A Call to Destiny has Marty boning busty space-orcs with his giant cock. Warmage has Marty boning busty witches with his giant cock. My friend and I made a bet, thankfully not an ass-bet, over what kind of person would write comics like this. I thought he must be some squirrely little punk; my friend figured he was fat. He won. Eric Flores' Myspace shows a single tiny photo, run through a couple Photoshop filters for added obfuscation, of a guy who looks nothing like the well-hung "heroes" of his porno comics. Another surprise is he's married. I'm mighty curious how much Mrs. Flores knows about his little side-ventures. May want to keep a sharp eye on him, ma'am, especially if you happen to live near any dairy farms. Just sayin'.
One thing I read that brought Flores up a notch on my respect scale is this:
Ye gods! A shitty webcomic artist actually acknowledging his lack of artistic skill and throwing in the towel! Hats off to you, Flores. The next step is figuring out he's also an unfathomably shitty writer and hanging up his pen for good. Only then will the virtues of truth and beauty be safe from his clunky dialogue and sickening prurience. If my review can somehow urge him along that path, then my work here is done.
Update by oddguy: This is one of the reviews that was lost when the site was "hacked" back in 2010 (I think). Everybody forgot about it so I only restored it now. Since it was written we wrote a review of another comic by this artist to which he responded by spitefully thanking us for giving him pageviews (as he is known to do whenever someone makes fun of him online) not once but three times before deleting a video he made about it on youtube.
Oh, and you know what else? He's a feminist. He draws comics about rape and he's a feminist.
Porno comics give you, if nothing else, an unobstructed view of the creator's notion of what ideal sex is like. For Eric Flores, it's wild pleasure bathed in bodily fluids, free of romance or individualization. In spite of the jabs I've made, I don't think Flores has an animal fetish. I think he had Adam screw "monsters" for attention, because otherwise, nobody would be talking about this comic. The description on Flores' store describes Monster Lover as "astonishingly popular." This is a lie, of course; there are only four or so comments on each page of it. Flores needs the furry crowd for what few hits his site gets.
The purpose of Monster Hunter is 50% jack-off fodder, 50% ego-stroking fantasy. Not only does its supposed reader want to touch himself to drawings of orc breasts, he also wants to envision himself as a dashing hero and a badass fighter who lords over his very own harem with a penis the size of baseball bat. This comic assumes you are that pathetic, boys. Are you going to take that? Then go read a comic that treats sex as something more than a D&D battle. Thank you all, and good night.
Other comics by this person reviewed on this site
- All four of this man's comics are listed in the TV Tropes page of horrible webcomics
- Dumok joins thread mentioning how bad his comics to vengefully thank them for the hits on his site - before going to bed and crying himself to sleep.
- Eric Flores' LiveJournal - Why does he have so many fucking accounts?
- Another LiveJournal - Here he pretends to be his space rapist character writing a captain's log
- Eric Flores' Twitter - Gaze into the mind of a... whatever this guy is.
- Eric Flores' profile for comics hosted on "The Duck" - but that's not all!
- Eric Flores is also on Comic Fury - He's spreading his comic around the web like a virus.
- and that's not all - all comics are also hosted on Comic Genesis as well as...
- A FOURTH FUCKING SITE THAT IS NO LONGER ACTIVE!
- Eric Flores' Wordpress blog - as if someone wants updates about this shit.
- Eric Flores' Youtube where he argues with other famous internet moron - I haven't watched these but just from titles like "Geek's Guide: Dungeons and Dragons 5th edition rant", "Friend Zoning for Dummies" and "Defending George Zimmerman?" I can tell they are a hoot.
- Speaking of other internet morons - he got into a fight once with the creator of the webcomic The Adventures of Kanira Baxter with hilarious results
- His second YouTube account - where he continues said slapfight as well as on twitter years after BionicDance has forgotten all about him
- Eric Flores also used to be on JustinTV
- Now he's on at least one JustinTV ripoff - Maybe two but I can't find the second one
- Not sure what this one is
- On Second Life
- Some other video site
- His Facebook
- On Comic Rocket
- Eric Flores' DeviantArt - Mostly "covers" for his comic chapters, all terrible.
- A Call to Destiny - Flores' alien-humping comic. Apparently there's some cross-over action with the goons from Monster Hunter. Have fun trying to tell Adam and the other guy apart.
- A store where he sells his awful comics
- A bunch of other fucking links about himself - Including a fucking price list in case people want to commission him!
- YouTube video of Mojo Nixon's "Elvis Is Everywhere". Hell, if only Mojo Nixon knew about Eric Flores...
FUN FACT: Dumok still updates virtually all of these (as well as a few I probably just haven't found yet) on a regular basis. This is not a man with a life.