Bowser's Plan B
|Original review author:||JJW Mezun|
|Webcomic name:||Bowser's Plan B|
|Author:||Andrew "Commander Chaos" Todd|
|Start Date:||Comixpedia says sometime during the year 2000, the website seems to indicate April 12, 2006. Either way, it was too soon.|
|Defining Flaw:||Humor webcomic that is not humorous, utter arrogance.|
God damn if I don't remember this jewel of a webcomic. This webcomic apparently won "Best Nintendo Themed Comic of 2006" from the "Sprite Comic Police"; but no worries, because the SCP is probably just a ten-year-old who crapped up a shitty GIF in Photoshop and pretended like it was a real award. The fact that the link to the SCP is broken leads me to believe that Chaos just made them up to make his comic look better than it is. Shit, he probably made that piece of shit "award" himself.
The truth is, nobody in their right mind would award this comic anything. It's not even because it is a sprite comic, which I believe can be done well, but because it's... Well, read on.
Comic #9. I know that the reason why everything abruptly looks like shit here is because he went back to improve his older work, but he only fixed eight comics. All he did to "fix" these comics (and trust me, nothing short of open surgery will truly repair these) was replace the shitty word bubbles with slightly less shitty Photoshop effects. It probably takes a couple minutes to fix one of them. Worst of all, why Yoshi is trapped in an egg is never answered.
Story and Plot
You will have to bear with me here, because it will take some deep analysis to try to decipher just what the fuck kind of foundation Sir Chaos built this masterpiece upon. After the stupid useless cover page, asinine undramatic exposition (which is stupid for a supposedly humorous comic and even stupider for a fucking Mario comic—yes, we know Bowser is trying to kill Mario. Thanks for the update.), and then a cluster-fuck of "what the hell?" Mario and Luigi are awoken by a loud noise, they scream in front of a red and yellow gradient, prevent Yoshi from eating a Mushroom, Toad bumps into Luigi and plays shitty horn music, Yoshi uses this opportunity to eat the Mushroom, and Mario and Luigi decide that Toad's entrance means that they should go over to Peach's castle. Let's pause and question some of this. What caused the noise, and the subsequent "Vamoose!"? What the fuck does "Vamoose?" even mean? They did something quickly? What? How does this make Mario and Luigi disappear from their beds, where they were before and place them... in front of a fucking red and yellow gradient? I'm going to make a wild guess that this noise somehow miraculously made them fall off of their beds and down the stairs, regardless of how illogical that is. If this was what Commander Chaos intended to show, maybe he could actually show the falling, or at least use a sound effect that would actually indicate this. "Vamoose!" could mean anything. The only indication I have that they fell off is that they're simply not up there anymore. For all I know they could have put on invisibility caps between the first and second comic, or left to buy some paper towels. Perhaps Chaos could only afford to pay them to be in a select number of panels. What I do know is that Chaos did a shitty job of telling his story.
To shorten this needlessly long elucidation, let me just describe the gist of this comic: Bowser pays a bunch of other Nintendo characters to assassinate Mario and Luigi, everyone regurgitates a myriad of corny phrases and taunts (see the writing review), and Mario and Luigi defeat them in the stupidest ways possible. It ends with Mario and Luigi going to Bowser’s castle, where Luigi uses some cliché inner-power to defeat Bowser and Mario threatens to take revenge over Luigi for hitting him and that’s where it leaves off. Shakespearean story, it is.
Sprite comics shouldn't have shitty art; you don't even make it. How could someone possibly fuck something like this up? Commander Chaos uses his genius to find a way.
The formatting is shit. It's so bad that Commander Chaos doesn't even know how comics flow correctly, for God’s sake. For English-speaking comics, readers read from left to right and then up to down; they do not read from the first panel down to the bottom, and then go back up and read the next top panel. Commander Chaos apparently expects readers to do this bizarre, confusing, annoying, inconvenient task. To add to that confusion, Chaos often leaves out the tails from word boxes (which look like shit. Can't he figure out how to move text so that it isn't squeezed into the top-left corner?), so that you don't know who's talking. And the fact that everyone talks in that same cheesy style exacerbates the problem. He also uses multiple fonts, afraid that his regular font might have been too readable.
Also, there are a lot of random white rectangles over the map for some fucking reason. Yeah, this guy has no idea what the hell he is doing.
And please tell me this is not what I think I perceive it to be. Please tell me that this comic does not contain a purple car with white streaks around it for no logical reason whatsoever. And while you're at it, please tell me this does not contain badly re-sized sprites which look like fucking ass.
For a webcomic that is supposedly supposed to be hilarious (see Author biography), this sure isn't funny. I know that humor is subjective, but this mother-fucker doesn't even try to make a joke. The first comic is just the title with a picture (one of the stupidest ways to begin a comic) and the next two are exposition; no humor. In fact, it looks as if he was trying to be dramatic and foreboding, which is generally not a good idea for a fucking Mario comic, with cartoony graphics and bubbly text. I understand that telling the story is important, even though there really is no fucking story in this case, but if your comic is supposed to be humor, which this person specifically says it is, then it better damn well have humor--preferably at the end of every comic, as the punch-line. And no, having Yoshi say something cocky is not humor.
Speaking of which, this makes up the majority of the dialogue; just cocky phrases. I swear, every time I hear someone talk I sigh in anguish out of how awful and cliché it all is. Look at this shit; almost all of its dialogue is made up of mentally-vacant clichés. Chaos might as well have just copied and pasted the dialogue from Captain Planet, excluding the environmental propaganda, into his comic and called it dialogue. Shit, Mario is Missing had better dialogue than this dreck.
It got to the point in which I could not even pay attention to what was going on in this damn comic, because all I could read from the dialogue was pretty much "duh duh duh..." (which would actually be an improvement to this comic's actual dialogue). Seriously, just look at comics 36 to 42. It's pretty much just "RRRAAAAGGGH! OWW! POOF! NOOOOO! HYLIAAAA! CTRL ALT DEL! GRR! YAAAAAA!" Tell me this dialogue is not idiotic.
Oh, and this just won the award for being the most retarded thing in existence; even if Commander Chaos takes time to explain shit that any idiot could figure out and manage to include grammatical errors also.
Sorry, I was wrong this is the most retarded thing in existence.
Sorry. I was wrong once again. this is the most retarded thing ever. This comic is what is the absolute terror Chaos is talking about. Or should I say absolut terror? Yeah, he couldn't even spell "absolute" correctly.
Oh my God, Chaos proves me incorrect once more. This is truly the most retarded thing in the world. Seriously, this fucker amazes me in his ability to fuck things up. How the hell can you screw up putting text on a black background? Even MS Paint can do that.
Fucking Christ he proves me wrong again. What the fuck does "I'm gonna make bass dance?" even mean? You know I'm starting to feel bad about making fun of Commander Chaos; he might literally be mentally retarded. Shit, just listening to his name makes me think he's missing a few too many brain cells.
Seriously though, this guy has Tourette's Syndrome or something. This is the kind of comic a five-year-old would make while going "Brrrrrrrmmmmm!!!" It may be cute to put up on your fridge, but is God awful when you put it up on the internet.
Lastly, (yes, I will finally end this section) I want to mention this. It's the same mistake Hatkirby made in Kirby's Fan Mail: Using a comic to give a message that could be given by plain text, which would take less time to load. Using text in such a pointless manner is not only a webcomic mistake, but simply a web design mistake.
Final point of interest: Right at the top of every comic reads the gracious warning "This comic cannot be held responsible for any who laugh themselves to death." This is true, because nobody would ever laugh at this garbage. A better warning would be "This comic cannot be held responsible for any suicides or drug-use committed due to the depression one will feel trying to laugh at this and realizing that it is impossible." It takes an uppity bastard to write bullshit like that. Besides that, only a complete dumbshit would believe that telling someone something is funny will make them laugh. That's similar to grading your own essays in school and telling them to your teacher. The reader will tell you if your comic is funny; they don't need you to give them hints.